Pounderlad

PUNDERLAND
BY
RICHARD COTTON
                       Hearing the high pitch buzz of my alarm clock I felt the top of my head where it thumped as though someone was hitting me with a large hammer. I soon regretted having that beer over the weekend.  Sitting up on my left elbow I glanced out through the partly open curtains. The sky was a dull gray with thick rain clouds. I heard the road hammer pounding away just outside my house making the headache then there was the buzzing of my alarm clock. Turning I pressed the off button to quieten the damn thing. I felt like death warmed up. It was going to be one of those days I said to myself. Carefully getting up I shuffled down the stairs one at a time making sure I held the stair rail tightly. Getting a bowl out of the cupboard I filled it with some cereal and milk. The kettle whistled as it told me it was ready to make the one cup of tea that sat in front of me. Taking a chair I sat there looking at the clock to the left of the cupboard full of tin foods. It was ticking too loudly for my liking. Then I noticed that it was nearly eight thirty five. Leaving the unfinished breakfast to sit on the table I rushed to the small corridor that led to the front door. I bent down picking up the scuffed brief case full important documents that I need for that day.  Unlocking the door with the keys that I had picked up form beside the phone where I closed the door locking it then slipping the keys into the brief case as I did so. I walked down the short gravel path to the gate, which still groaned when opened. I would oil the gate hinges one day. Turning onto the path I headed for the nearest bus stop. I felt the chill of the day, which would help sober me up. From afar I could see there was a small queue at the bus stop. Mostly office workers, children going to school, mixed with ladies with prams of babies. I noticed the odd glances I got when I neared the stop, some tutted, which I ignored as this early some people were still grumpy. On reaching the shelter I had a quick look at the digital watch strapped to my left wrist. The damn bus was running late again, due to the rotten road works. I didn’t wont to be late again as I was already close to being demoted already. I looked up again to see the large red double-decker drawing up to a stop.  Its doors hissed open to let queue shuffle on. I kept my yes on the young lady in front of me making sure I didn’t tread on her high heels. Brushing her blonde hair back has she steeped up onto the bus she turned to give a short giggle on seeing me? I saw her pull the ticket stub out then made her way down the bus. I approached the driver slowly reaching down to into what should’ve been my black suit trousers pocket I found that had my stripped pyjamas on. I turned to try to leave but the doors where already shut. I turned back toward the driver when I felt a spinning sensation as I did so. It was like I had just drunk another pint of beer there and then.
“Here’s your ticket to Punderland,” The diver spoke with a slight Jamaican accent.
“Sorry I wanted to go to Sunderland,” I said curtly.
“Look man, just take a seat. I’ve got to get a move on has we’re late as it is,” He replied in that sing-song type of voice
I turned to see if I could get off, but it was to late the boat was in motion the floor was now decking the road was water. The boat was sailing towards a costal town which was getting closer quickly. From where I stood the boat was heading for a green leafy arbour. The driver slowly edged into the narrow arbour next to a wooden pier that stood out slightly. Soon the boat was moored. Glancing around I noticed there was statues placed neatly between moss covered stone benches. A gang plank was slowly lowered by the now captain of the boat.
“There you go man. Enjoy your stay,” He was still the driver I had seen on the bus.
 Walking slowly down the wooden plank not knowing I felt nervous of what could happen in this strange town called Punderland. Walking out of the arbour I made my way into the large town.
“Where’re you heading mister,” I heard a gruff voice ask excitedly.
 Looking around to see who had spoken all I saw was the sandy brown Labrador dog. He sat there patiently wagging his tail. I glanced around to see if the dog was with someone else, but there was only me and this dog so who had spoke I wondered. There were people but some distance off heading away from me. This left the dog sat in front of me. The next thing I did make me feel slightly silly, but I had to do it.
“Err. Excuse me but you didn’t just speak to me did you,” I asked the dog.
“Yes I did. What else did you expect your guide dog to do?”  It was so odd to see it lips form human words.
 This was turning into a very strange day.
“What is it you do then?” Still feeling silly at asking.
“I’m here to guide you around Punderland. That is why I’m your guide dog,” The dog sat there scratching his ear as he spoke.
“Where do we go from here?” I asked still feeling a little light headed.
 “Depends on what you want to do first?” He stood up to pant dribbles of dog spit dropping onto the pavement.
“I need drink this might make me feel better,” I patted his head hoping this was the right thing to do.
“Follow me to the best coffee house in Punderland,” He set off at a slow walk his tail wagging as he did so.
               I followed him to what looked like to be the most expensive coffee shop in the town. Outside tables covered by large umbrella keeping the warm sun off the customers. The guide dog led me to an empty chair at one of these.
“Sit here mister,” It said pointing to the chair with its nose.
“You sure this is the best place to get a cup of coffee?” I asked sitting down felling out of place still dressed in my Pjs.
“Its one of the finest,” The dog sat down to lick its backside.
Glancing around I noticed that the other customers where drinking some odd looking drinks. Turning I noticed the waiter next to me who was a few inches shorter than me even in the two inch heels.
“What does sir require?” He asked in a posh deep voice.
“Please can you bring me a cup of tea?” I looked to the guide dog to see if it agreed.
He just nodded.
                     The waiter turned heading back into the coffee shop. Across the road from where I sat I noted a tall slim man covered in a copper outfit with a tall copper hat on his head. He stood there his arms cross behind his back watching me. Half hour passed before the waiter returned placing a mug onto the table top. I noticed the there was a letter T inside.
“Excuse me, but all this mug holds is a letter T,” I said point to the cup.
“Sir that is what you asked for. A cup of T,” He replied curtly.
Looking at the table to see if there was anything else out of place I soon noticed the salt seller. Picking up the tall glass pot to see the soft white salt inside but as I did so I felt a sharp pain in my shin, which made the pot fly up then down onto the hard ground. Looking down to see what had hit me I saw a square black thing, which I swear to this day, looked just like a car battery. The next thing I knew the tall copper man was stood next to my table reaching out to me.
“I am putting you under arrest sir,” He spoke with a rich like metallic voice.
“What for?” I asked wondering if I was dreaming or not.
“For assault n battery,” He replied earnestly.
“What!” I said incredulously. “Where’re you going to take me?” I asked as he lifted me to my feet.
“To the station sir,” He said tugging at the cuffs.
                          We headed down the path the guide dog was still with me I thought. Has we walked I noted that we were heading for a large brown aged bricked building. Looking up I saw the words police station were emblazoned in blue words for all to see.  Pushing me through the two oaken doors I noticed that the reception desk was behind thick glass. Behind that stood two more copper men. Both built like brick shit houses.
“What’ve we here then P.C Copperhead?” The older of the two asked in the same rich tones.
“I arrested this man for assault n battery sir,” He snapped off a crisp salute.
“Corporal Punishment,” This old copper man turned to the shorter one next to him.
“Yes Inspector Problem” The younger man sounded lighter in tone.
“It looks like we’ve a nasty little man here who committed assault n battery what do you think we should do?” Corporal Punishment asked.
“How about the cat-n-nine tails sir,” Inspector Problem replied slapping the older man on the right shoulder.
“Oh that sounds just right for what he has done,” Corporal Punishment smiled broadly.
Watching closely as Corporal Punishment walked out of the reception area out into the back rooms I wondered what was in store for me. Returning minuets later with what I was sure looked like a medium sized tabby cat, but the most unusual was the nine tails that the cat had.
“What sort of punishment is this?” I asked looking to the guide dog.
“Oh you wait till they get the cat going,” It paused. “Then you will find out,”
“Get it going!” I asked shocked feeling I didn’t want to know the answer but was going to find out for myself though.
 Corporal Punishment tugged one of the cat’s tails very gently. With amazement I saw the cat start to talk.
“Listen to my tail of paws with claws. It was a thyme of Cats n dogs where water n cogs fell from the sky,” its voice purred with sweetness as it spoke.
Placing my hands on my ears with each pun I felt that it would never end but has it finished one tale Corporal Punishment pulled the next tail. After he had done all nine tails my head rang with pain. I looked up to see Inspector Problem standing next to me now.
“Consider your self lucky. You got off lightly. Now don’t get into any more trouble or you’ll find the next time we will be harder on you,” Inspector Problem spoke taking the cuffs off.
                  Turning on my heels I left the station smartly the guide dog close to hand.
“Quick I need the nearest inn,” I said feeling as if my head was going to explode.
“I take it you mean a pub,” The dog looked around to make sure all was clear.
“Yes I do,” I replied feeling my mouth was dry as rough sandpaper.
“I had to make sure as we’ve inns n outs here too,” The dog spoke panting to keep cool.
I groaned as my head spun with the pain.
“When we go into this pub you’ve to watch out for the pea’s n cues,” The dog started to lead me on.
I let the dog lead me into a smaller brick building down the street from the station. Looking at the sign I saw that it read ‘What’s yours’. Trust the pubs in Punderland to have strange names. Entering the pub I saw that the barroom was full of  peapods. Glancing over to the games room  I saw lots of cues playing pool. Each cue tipped it self up to the table to hit the balls across the table.  I carefully made my way around the peapods to reach the bar, which was made out of iron.
“What can I get you sir?” The strangest man I had seen yet spoke.
My mouth fell open at the figure behind the iron bar. He was a tall square piece of grass with cricket pitch markings on his face. After getting my senses back I spoke to the figure.
“What is there to drink landlord?” I asked not knowing what this place served.
“Spring water, Iron brew, Screw driver, Steel bitter and brass Larger,” He replied in a earthy tone.
“I think I’ll try the Larger please,” I replied hoping it was normal drink here.
Watching the landlord has he picked up the tall clear thin glass then placing this under the taps. A thin golden liquid bubbled out into the glass tuning it frosty I felt relieved to see this. Placing the glass in front of me I looked at the liquid to see if there was anything strange about it but couldn’t see anything wrong. Picking up the glass to take a sip to my surprise it was good to drink.
                Glancing over to my left seeing a peapod pick a pint glass up. I felt strange watching it happen.
“I love these places. I’ve a tender part inside of me for this land,” The peapod raised the glass at me.
I looked down to the guide dog, which was sat to the right of me. “What was that about?”
“Oh don’t worry that’s just a mushy pea,” He replied licking the floor.
I felt a sudden surge in my blood pressure. “That’s the last straw,”
“No that’s just down the street on the right,” The guide dog replied standing up to point at the door.
At that I walked out down the street heading for the arbour.
“Wait you haven’t seen the c yet,” The dog barked loudly.
                This was more than I could take. Placing my hands over my ears and closing my eyes in the hope it would all go away. Then I felt giddy again the world started to spin quickly. Then I heard a buzzing noise. Slowly opening my eyes to see I was in bed. The sound I heard was that of my alarm radio going. I was back in my own room. How did that happen?, what was going on?, was I dreaming? Glancing around those were my posters, wardrobe, rainbow curtains. It was mine. Standing up shakily i stumbled over to the window. I pulled the curtains open. Looking outside my mouth drooped open as I saw a beach out front in stead of the grey tarmac. On the beach there was C’s rolling up onto peapods that were sunbathing.
PUNDERLAND
BY
RICHARD COTTON
                       Hearing the high pitch buzz of my alarm clock I felt the top of my head where it thumped as though someone was hitting me with a large hammer. I soon regretted having that beer over the weekend.  Sitting up on my left elbow I glanced out through the partly open curtains. The sky was a dull gray with thick rain clouds. I heard the road hammer pounding away just outside my house making the headache then there was the buzzing of my alarm clock. Turning I pressed the off button to quieten the damn thing. I felt like death warmed up. It was going to be one of those days I said to myself. Carefully getting up I shuffled down the stairs one at a time making sure I held the stair rail tightly. Getting a bowl out of the cupboard I filled it with some cereal and milk. The kettle whistled as it told me it was ready to make the one cup of tea that sat in front of me. Taking a chair I sat there looking at the clock to the left of the cupboard full of tin foods. It was ticking too loudly for my liking. Then I noticed that it was nearly eight thirty five. Leaving the unfinished breakfast to sit on the table I rushed to the small corridor that led to the front door. I bent down picking up the scuffed brief case full important documents that I need for that day.  Unlocking the door with the keys that I had picked up form beside the phone where I closed the door locking it then slipping the keys into the brief case as I did so. I walked down the short gravel path to the gate, which still groaned when opened. I would oil the gate hinges one day. Turning onto the path I headed for the nearest bus stop. I felt the chill of the day, which would help sober me up. From afar I could see there was a small queue at the bus stop. Mostly office workers, children going to school, mixed with ladies with prams of babies. I noticed the odd glances I got when I neared the stop, some tutted, which I ignored as this early some people were still grumpy. On reaching the shelter I had a quick look at the digital watch strapped to my left wrist. The damn bus was running late again, due to the rotten road works. I didn’t wont to be late again as I was already close to being demoted already. I looked up again to see the large red double-decker drawing up to a stop.  Its doors hissed open to let queue shuffle on. I kept my yes on the young lady in front of me making sure I didn’t tread on her high heels. Brushing her blonde hair back has she steeped up onto the bus she turned to give a short giggle on seeing me? I saw her pull the ticket stub out then made her way down the bus. I approached the driver slowly reaching down to into what should’ve been my black suit trousers pocket I found that had my stripped pyjamas on. I turned to try to leave but the doors where already shut. I turned back toward the driver when I felt a spinning sensation as I did so. It was like I had just drunk another pint of beer there and then.
“Here’s your ticket to Punderland,” The diver spoke with a slight Jamaican accent.
“Sorry I wanted to go to Sunderland,” I said curtly.
“Look man, just take a seat. I’ve got to get a move on has we’re late as it is,” He replied in that sing-song type of voice
I turned to see if I could get off, but it was to late the boat was in motion the floor was now decking the road was water. The boat was sailing towards a costal town which was getting closer quickly. From where I stood the boat was heading for a green leafy arbour. The driver slowly edged into the narrow arbour next to a wooden pier that stood out slightly. Soon the boat was moored. Glancing around I noticed there was statues placed neatly between moss covered stone benches. A gang plank was slowly lowered by the now captain of the boat.
“There you go man. Enjoy your stay,” He was still the driver I had seen on the bus.
 Walking slowly down the wooden plank not knowing I felt nervous of what could happen in this strange town called Punderland. Walking out of the arbour I made my way into the large town.
“Where’re you heading mister,” I heard a gruff voice ask excitedly.
 Looking around to see who had spoken all I saw was the sandy brown Labrador dog. He sat there patiently wagging his tail. I glanced around to see if the dog was with someone else, but there was only me and this dog so who had spoke I wondered. There were people but some distance off heading away from me. This left the dog sat in front of me. The next thing I did make me feel slightly silly, but I had to do it.
“Err. Excuse me but you didn’t just speak to me did you,” I asked the dog.
“Yes I did. What else did you expect your guide dog to do?”  It was so odd to see it lips form human words.
 This was turning into a very strange day.
“What is it you do then?” Still feeling silly at asking.
“I’m here to guide you around Punderland. That is why I’m your guide dog,” The dog sat there scratching his ear as he spoke.
“Where do we go from here?” I asked still feeling a little light headed.
 “Depends on what you want to do first?” He stood up to pant dribbles of dog spit dropping onto the pavement.
“I need drink this might make me feel better,” I patted his head hoping this was the right thing to do.
“Follow me to the best coffee house in Punderland,” He set off at a slow walk his tail wagging as he did so.
               I followed him to what looked like to be the most expensive coffee shop in the town. Outside tables covered by large umbrella keeping the warm sun off the customers. The guide dog led me to an empty chair at one of these.
“Sit here mister,” It said pointing to the chair with its nose.
“You sure this is the best place to get a cup of coffee?” I asked sitting down felling out of place still dressed in my Pjs.
“Its one of the finest,” The dog sat down to lick its backside.
Glancing around I noticed that the other customers where drinking some odd looking drinks. Turning I noticed the waiter next to me who was a few inches shorter than me even in the two inch heels.
“What does sir require?” He asked in a posh deep voice.
“Please can you bring me a cup of tea?” I looked to the guide dog to see if it agreed.
He just nodded.
                     The waiter turned heading back into the coffee shop. Across the road from where I sat I noted a tall slim man covered in a copper outfit with a tall copper hat on his head. He stood there his arms cross behind his back watching me. Half hour passed before the waiter returned placing a mug onto the table top. I noticed the there was a letter T inside.
“Excuse me, but all this mug holds is a letter T,” I said point to the cup.
“Sir that is what you asked for. A cup of T,” He replied curtly.
Looking at the table to see if there was anything else out of place I soon noticed the salt seller. Picking up the tall glass pot to see the soft white salt inside but as I did so I felt a sharp pain in my shin, which made the pot fly up then down onto the hard ground. Looking down to see what had hit me I saw a square black thing, which I swear to this day, looked just like a car battery. The next thing I knew the tall copper man was stood next to my table reaching out to me.
“I am putting you under arrest sir,” He spoke with a rich like metallic voice.
“What for?” I asked wondering if I was dreaming or not.
“For assault n battery,” He replied earnestly.
“What!” I said incredulously. “Where’re you going to take me?” I asked as he lifted me to my feet.
“To the station sir,” He said tugging at the cuffs.
                          We headed down the path the guide dog was still with me I thought. Has we walked I noted that we were heading for a large brown aged bricked building. Looking up I saw the words police station were emblazoned in blue words for all to see.  Pushing me through the two oaken doors I noticed that the reception desk was behind thick glass. Behind that stood two more copper men. Both built like brick shit houses.
“What’ve we here then P.C Copperhead?” The older of the two asked in the same rich tones.
“I arrested this man for assault n battery sir,” He snapped off a crisp salute.
“Corporal Punishment,” This old copper man turned to the shorter one next to him.
“Yes Inspector Problem” The younger man sounded lighter in tone.
“It looks like we’ve a nasty little man here who committed assault n battery what do you think we should do?” Corporal Punishment asked.
“How about the cat-n-nine tails sir,” Inspector Problem replied slapping the older man on the right shoulder.
“Oh that sounds just right for what he has done,” Corporal Punishment smiled broadly.
Watching closely as Corporal Punishment walked out of the reception area out into the back rooms I wondered what was in store for me. Returning minuets later with what I was sure looked like a medium sized tabby cat, but the most unusual was the nine tails that the cat had.
“What sort of punishment is this?” I asked looking to the guide dog.
“Oh you wait till they get the cat going,” It paused. “Then you will find out,”
“Get it going!” I asked shocked feeling I didn’t want to know the answer but was going to find out for myself though.
 Corporal Punishment tugged one of the cat’s tails very gently. With amazement I saw the cat start to talk.
“Listen to my tail of paws with claws. It was a thyme of Cats n dogs where water n cogs fell from the sky,” its voice purred with sweetness as it spoke.
Placing my hands on my ears with each pun I felt that it would never end but has it finished one tale Corporal Punishment pulled the next tail. After he had done all nine tails my head rang with pain. I looked up to see Inspector Problem standing next to me now.
“Consider your self lucky. You got off lightly. Now don’t get into any more trouble or you’ll find the next time we will be harder on you,” Inspector Problem spoke taking the cuffs off.
                  Turning on my heels I left the station smartly the guide dog close to hand.
“Quick I need the nearest inn,” I said feeling as if my head was going to explode.
“I take it you mean a pub,” The dog looked around to make sure all was clear.
“Yes I do,” I replied feeling my mouth was dry as rough sandpaper.
“I had to make sure as we’ve inns n outs here too,” The dog spoke panting to keep cool.
I groaned as my head spun with the pain.
“When we go into this pub you’ve to watch out for the pea’s n cues,” The dog started to lead me on.
I let the dog lead me into a smaller brick building down the street from the station. Looking at the sign I saw that it read ‘What’s yours’. Trust the pubs in Punderland to have strange names. Entering the pub I saw that the barroom was full of  peapods. Glancing over to the games room  I saw lots of cues playing pool. Each cue tipped it self up to the table to hit the balls across the table.  I carefully made my way around the peapods to reach the bar, which was made out of iron.
“What can I get you sir?” The strangest man I had seen yet spoke.
My mouth fell open at the figure behind the iron bar. He was a tall square piece of grass with cricket pitch markings on his face. After getting my senses back I spoke to the figure.
“What is there to drink landlord?” I asked not knowing what this place served.
“Spring water, Iron brew, Screw driver, Steel bitter and brass Larger,” He replied in a earthy tone.
“I think I’ll try the Larger please,” I replied hoping it was normal drink here.
Watching the landlord has he picked up the tall clear thin glass then placing this under the taps. A thin golden liquid bubbled out into the glass tuning it frosty I felt relieved to see this. Placing the glass in front of me I looked at the liquid to see if there was anything strange about it but couldn’t see anything wrong. Picking up the glass to take a sip to my surprise it was good to drink.
                Glancing over to my left seeing a peapod pick a pint glass up. I felt strange watching it happen.
“I love these places. I’ve a tender part inside of me for this land,” The peapod raised the glass at me.
I looked down to the guide dog, which was sat to the right of me. “What was that about?”
“Oh don’t worry that’s just a mushy pea,” He replied licking the floor.
I felt a sudden surge in my blood pressure. “That’s the last straw,”
“No that’s just down the street on the right,” The guide dog replied standing up to point at the door.
At that I walked out down the street heading for the arbour.
“Wait you haven’t seen the c yet,” The dog barked loudly.
                This was more than I could take. Placing my hands over my ears and closing my eyes in the hope it would all go away. Then I felt giddy again the world started to spin quickly. Then I heard a buzzing noise. Slowly opening my eyes to see I was in bed. The sound I heard was that of my alarm radio going. I was back in my own room. How did that happen?, what was going on?, was I dreaming? Glancing around those were my posters, wardrobe, rainbow curtains. It was mine. Standing up shakily i stumbled over to the window. I pulled the curtains open. Looking outside my mouth drooped open as I saw a beach out front in stead of the grey tarmac. On the beach there was C’s rolling up onto peapods that were sunbathing.